"Don't bring my name into this!"

I could see the finish line, when it came to dealing with BabyDaddie, considering Virginia  my daughter, is nearly 17. However, now that she needs to have cavities filled & all her wisdom teeth pulled, which is not covered by the insurance, he refuses to pay for half, although it's considered an "extraordinary" medical expense. Unfortunately, for him, I knew that would be his reaction & did my legal research & contacted my attorney, before I asked nicely for him to help. Now, if I file paperwork with the courts, he will more than likely have to pay for a much larger percentage. Hopefully, he will decide to play nicely over the weekend, before I get to the courthouse.

He keeps blessing me & saying "God is good all the time" & "I'm praying for you". In reality, his god is looking at him & thinking, "No wonder Christians get such a bad wrap, you stupid fucktard. Don't bring my name into this!"

A Herd of Teens

I went to pick up Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, from her friend's home & I was surrounded by a herd of teens, asking about polyamory & bisexuality.  They were completely enthralled.  At first, my daughter coaxed them into asking questions, which they sheepishly did, with her guidance.  By the end, they were so comfortable, I could barely finish answering a question, before another one was thrown at me.  In my household, such conversations are a daily event.  It was fascinating to deal directly with other's that did not have that experience, especially a group so young.

"I am really grateful you are my mother"

Yesterday, while driving Virginia to work, she paused & said "I know we don't always get along & I know I am a bitch; however, I want you to know I am really grateful you are my mother, because I have lots of friends who complain that their parents don't listen to them. I can never say that about you. You listen to me. You also don't act out in anger when I don't do what you think I should. You have always guided me, without judgement." I started to tear up, because my kid is notorious for not showing gratitude & I am notorious for not taking delight in being a mother. Those are the moments I hope for & rarely get. Those are the moments that touch me. Those are the moments that make it all worth while. Okay, that was a fib...

399 Days

I am getting excited about my future with James.  It's 399 days, until Virginia, my only child, turns 18, no longer living with us & when the lease on our massively overly large & overly expensive house ends. I can't wait to move to the city, within walking distance of the subway (fingers crossed), get rid of my car, downsize, become debt-free, & focus completely on my future with James.

Happy Birthday to me!

While heading to the grocery store for our weekly food run, I was teasing my 16-year-old daughter, Virginia, that she did not give me a birthday present this year, when in the past I wouldn't have been able to use my desk, because of all the homemade cards she would have created & placed on it for my pleasure.

When we arrived at the store, she asked me to stay in the car & wanted to go in alone.  Puzzled, I asked her why, knowing something was not quite right.  She said "Just trust me" & so I did, handing her the $50 for her groceries.

Ten minutes later, while I was trying to catch a nap in the car, she reappeared with a potted lily & two stuffed animals, saying "Happy Birthday"!  What was more astonishing was she spent half of her food money on the gifts for me, without a moment of regret.

There are moments I want to strangle my teenage daughter.  However, I hold off, hoping that one of these precious moments will appear.  :)

Virginia's Pee Test

Last month, Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, was caught smoking pot in our house.  As promised, I pee tested her today.  Fortunately, she passed with flying colors, announcing that she would not be passing in the future.  Therefore, I have told her that if I even think she is smoking pot in my house, whether the smell is on her or I find paraphernalia, I will call the police.  I really have no choice, because it's illegal in my state to even posses it.  Although I am not opposed to adults using pot in the privacy of their own homes,  If I gave her the impression it is okay, I could be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  Hopefully, it will not come down to that.

 

HUGE sigh of relief

The prison from which the inmate was sending inappropriate letters to my 16-year-old daughter, Virginia, called this morning.  My concern was that when they had the conversation with the inmate about sending the letters that he would find out that I ratted him out & do something to me & my family, since he has our home address.  I know that sounds a little over the top, but the inmate has killed at least one person & attempted to kill one other.  He is also in a notorious gang. Fortunately, the person who spoke to the inmate, simply said the letter was discovered before it left the prison & my name was not brought up.  I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief.  Hopefully, I will not receive any more letters.  If so, I have been instructed to send them to the security team who has been working with me.

Virginia's Pot Use

I found out today that Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, has been smoking pot, by way of pictures of her doing so on the internet.  I am not opposed to adults smoking pot in the privacy of their own homes.  However, because I live in a state where pot use is illegal, in order for me not to go to jail for contributing to the delinquency of a minor, I have to stop her usage, using pee tests & taking away her tech stuff if she fails.  I have given her 30 days to clean out her system.

What is most disturbing is her inability to comprehend how not being discrete, by putting the pictures on the net, could affect her ability to get into collage or a job.  She just needs to behave, until she is 18-years-old.  Once she reaches that age, I am not longer legally responsible for her actions.  Until then, I have to battle every day to keep my sanity.

Killer's Letter

I found out recently that Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, has visited & received love letters from an inmate.  When I did a search for him online, I found out that he killed a teenager & attempted to kill another in a gang murder.  I know that he she went to see him in prison, because inside the card was a picture of her & his family, surrounding him.

I am heartbroken on so many different levels.  First, we do not have a history of gang activity in my family at all & therefore, her being comfortable in such an environment is unacceptable.  Next, the letters he sent her were totally inappropriate for a 16-year-old to receive, including the picture of a dog with an erection on the front of the card.  Then, the only persona who could have gotten into the prison is the mother of the inmate, by wrongfully claiming she belonged to her, thereby making my daughter related.  Finally, after chatting with my family therapist we decided that I cannot have a conversation with anyone involved, including my daughter, the inmate or the inmate's mother, because the inmate has my home address & could do us harm if we take away his "toy".

I did contact the prison & spoke to the head of security & even he was stunned, saying they they rarely receive information like mine.  He said he would prevent the inmate from sending or receiving any mail from my daughter & stop her from visiting him in the prison.  He also agreed he would do so, without involving my name, by saying that "after a mail inspection" they came across the letter, which I returned to the prison.

After issues like this, although I love my daughter, I cannot wait to disassociate myself from her, as we had planned to do, when she turns 18-years-old.  Sadly, now it's a matter of life or death.

Virginia's new job

Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, has gotten a new job as a hostess at a local restaurant in the mall.  She is very excited & has made a list of all the things she is going to buy with her money.  As long as she keeps up her grades, I am very supportive.

Virginia is having sex again

Virginia, my 16-year-old daughter, is having sex again, after being abstinent for a year.  No, I am not happy.  However, I have tried to guide her to be sexually empowered, by conveying the message to her that she is the keeper of her body & only very worthy people should be given the honor of having sex with her.  Of course, she is 16, so what I perceive as worthy & what she perceives as worthy are two different things.

I did refill her birth control prescription, made sure she had enough condoms, & insisted that I meet the new boy.  She is a little wonky about me meeting the boy, because I am a bit intimidating, in person.  However, I have learned from experiences that if she think life will be easier for her, she will abide by my request.

Virgina & the Storm

This weekend a HUGE storm is supposed to hit our area.  Originally, James, my primary partner, & I were heading to a wedding.  However, I have convinced him to go alone, so I can stay home with my 16-year-old daughter, Virginia, & our dog.

I did not get the reaction out of Virginia I had hoped, although it was sadly the reaction as I expected.  The conversation, by text, went like this:

Me:  I am staying home this weekend.  The storm look like a big one & I did not want you to be alone.

Virginia:  I would have been fine, but okay.

Me:  I am not sure about that.  It's predicted to be very bad.  You are loved and you should not be alone.

Virginia:  Mom, I know you think I don't feel safe by myself, but I do.  That's why I prefer to be alone.  Thanks for your concern.

Me:  Wow, Virginia.  Just wow.  I try to do something out of pure love and I get no gratitude.  I am missing a very important event this weekend, because I am more concerned for your well being.  Thank you for making feel like shit.  I love you too.

Virginia:  You wonder why I don't tell you my feelings towards you & didn't I just say "thank you for your concern"?  Before you bitch at me, please reread everything.

Me:  You said "thank you for your concern", not "thank you for going out of your way to make sure I am safe and comfortable" or "thank you for giving up something important for me."  There was no simple thank you.  There was no gratitude.  There was no respect.  There was no love.

Virginia:  It's still gratitude, Mom.  Maybe not the lovey dovey  way you want, but I am not a lovey child that you want.  I'm heartless. You want a loving child?  Have another one.

Me:  A simple "thank you" works in most situations.  No need to add anything else.  The person hearing it makes the best out of what they hear, particularly by email or text, when no emotions are revealed.

Virginia:  Do you have a problem with what I do?  If you do, I'm going to tell you right now that I do not care.  I also don't care for your expectations, because I shall not, nor want to live up to them.  I will be be the bigger person & say thank you.

Me:  You are slowly pushing away the person who loves & respects you the most.  Just keep that in mind, as you proceed in your life.  Eventually, there will be no one.

Virginia:  Don't lie.  You have no respect for me.  Don't worry.  There will always be someone.

Me:  I hope you find someone who does not love and respect you half as much as I do not.

BabyDaddie Checks & James

I got in trouble with James last night, over giving the BabyDaddie checks to Virginia to manage.  The message I believe I heard from him last week was that he was on board about it.  However, when I approached him for details, in front of Virginia, he became silent & withdrawn, refusing to discuss the matter further.

I was perplexed.  I was sure he did not have a problem earlier.  Apparently, I was wrong.  He was silent for the rest of the evening.  Fortunately, he came to me this morning & said he was never comfortable with the idea, but because I already mentioned it in front of Virginia, we would come to a compromise.

I have learned to listen more carefully.  Hopefully, he has learned to communicate better.

BabyDaddie Checks

Virginia wants to take over the BabyDaddie checks I receive every month from her father, my ex-husband.  The amount is $922 a month.  Previously she did just that with a fair amount of success.  With the money, she has to pay her rent, food, utilities, clothing, & anything she wants.  I think it's a great way to teach her responsible money practices.  I have to chat with James to make sure we are in a good place for her to take over.  What are your thoughts?

AP Psychology Sucks

Virginia is doing very well in school this quarter, getting all A's & B's, with the exception of her 11th grade AP Psychology class.  She signed up for the class, because her father, a high school teacher, wanted her to take an AP class.  

I am of the opinion that honors classes, as well as AP classes, are useless in terms of college acceptance, particularly for Virginia, considering she will spend her first two years at a community college, in order to save money.

Because she got an F, by the time interims came around, I thought we should have a chat with her school to see if she could change to an average psychology class.  However, according to her vice-principal, we were too late.  He was very helpful though.  He was interested in seeing Virginia be successful in the AP class, because obviously she was intelligent enough to do well in her other classes.  He said he would chat with her teacher & come up with a game plan that would include addition conversations with she would have with her teacher outside of class, tutoring, & perhaps alternative ways for her to learn the material.

All in all, I was very happy with the meeting.  Everyone hears horror stories about the public school system & it's lack of support.  I found none of that.

Good job, Mom

Virginia surprised me with a very interesting conversation she had in school several days ago.  She said that several students were discussing religion in one of her 11th grade classes, among themselves & they asked what she was.  She said she was agnostic.  Not knowing what that meant, they proceeded to grill her, from a Christian viewpoint.  They ask her is she believed in heaven or hell, if she was saved, etc.  When she explained that she did not believe or disbelieve, but was open to the possibility of everything, without judging others who did not have the same thoughts, they became perplexed, saying she was going to go to hell & they would pray for her.  Finally, one said, "Your mother must be very sad, because of you."  Her reply was "My mother is just like me."

You know those times in your life, as a parent, when you wonder if what you do for your children is worth it, whether the tears & the anger mean anything, if they hear you, when they have their ear buds in?  Every once in a very long time, you can pat yourself on the back & say "Good job, Mom".  That was one of those times :)

I either know everything or nothing.

My 16-year-old daughter, Virginia, & I have a relationship filled with lots of communication.  Sometimes I wish it weren't so.  Yesterday, after spending two nights with one of her friends, she told me she left the friend's home for a few hours to hotbox with a couple of guys in car.  

You know you are old, when you have to look up definitions in the Urban Dictionary:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hotbox.  Obviously, I was not happy.  What got me most, beyond the illegal drug use, is that she was not in a safe place.  She mentioned smoking with two guys she trusted, but "going in & out of it".  I asked her "What if someone else got into the car with you, while you were out of it & then proceeded to do things to you, against your consent?"  She looked at me blankly.  I then said, "If anyone ever did anything to you, including rape, I would go after them, until someone was dead.  However, in the back of my mind, I would think, 'my child is an idiot for setting herself up' ".  More blank stares.

What finally got to her was the next morning, when I told her I was deeply disappointed.  She began to cry.  Will she smoke pot again?  Probably.  Will she maybe think about her surroundings a bit more?  Probably.

When I was holding my beautiful baby girl for the 1st time, I was thinking about diapers, pink, & bubbles, not "HOTBOXING!?!?"

"Hotboxing, Mommy?"

Family Therapy

I have decided to return to family therapy with Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter.  It seems we have difficulty communicating & she transfers her anger towards her father to me.  The last time I, BabyDaddie & Virginia went to family therapy, the therapist said I did not need to be there, because  I seemed to have a healthier relationship with Virginia, than BabyDaddie.  So, the two of them, continued to go to therapy two more times.  However, they soon stopped.

This time, I am focused on my relationship with her, rather than there's.  This has enraged BabyDaddie, because he believes that he should be there, every time Virginia goes to therapy.  I disagree, because I know if he does attend he & his problems will take over the meeting & I want to focus on my relationship with her.  Besides, if he wanted to have more therapy sessions with Virginia, he could schedule them himself.

I think the real reason he does not want me to go to therapy with her is because he thinks negative things will be said about him.  I also think he believes that me taking her to therapy may look good in court.  In reality,  I try to avoid saying anything negative about BabyDaddie & I would take her to therapy, even if a court date was not approaching.

Our first therapy session with just us girls is tomorrow at 10:30am.

Successful Family Therapy

I & Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter, went to our family therapy appointment today.  My goal was to learn to communicate better, as many of our conversations end in tears & yelling.

After asking questions & hearing us talk, our therapist had an opinion.  She told Virginia that she was not completely faultless in our issues we were having.  She pointed out to Virginia that she had a tendency to interrupt people & did not accept responsibility for her actions.  I had mentioned those things to Virginia several times, but as most teenagers do, she tunes me out, when she thinks I am attacking her.  It felt good to have someone else recognize those characteristics & tell Virginia.

As for me, she said I needed to make sure Virginia & I were on the same page, when I gave her an answer to a request she makes.  She said that many teenagers do not understand the concept of "Let me think about it", "maybe", or  "It's a possibility", because they will translate all of that into "Yes".  She said if I could not give Virginia an answer immediately, I should just say, "No."  Also, when I did give an answer, I should ask Virginia to repeat what I said to her, to make sure she heard my answer accurately.

Also, something both sad & interesting manifested itself in the session.  Virginia said she believed that the reason I was taking my evenings off in order to be with her, after receiving her poor grades in the last semester, was to look good at our court appearance on December 20th.  That is exactly the same thing BabyDaddie told her.  So, apparently although she says she does not listen to him, he still has a negative influence over her.

I knew about the court date a full month, prior to Virginia's poor grades.  Therefore, the therapist said that me changing my work hours had nothing to do with the court date.   In addition, the therapist said people change for all kinds of reasons & whether it was because of her grades or the court appearance makes no difference in the end.  The test would be whether or not I maintained my hours with Virginia in the evenings, after the court appearance.

I have every intention of doing that.  In fact, I want Virginia to be disappointed when I am not with her in the evenings.  To accomplish that, we are settling into a ritual that seems to be pleasant of both of us.  From 6pm to 8pm, we have quiet time.  For those two hours, we turn off all tech stuff, including cell phones & computers.  Usually, she does her homework & I make dinner.  Then, from 8pm to 10pm she retreats to her room or we watch a movie.  However, I hope to make the 8pm to 10pm time frame even more productive by joining a gym & having her be my gym buddy, as she has mentioned wanting to do in the past.

Our therapist said she thought we needed more sessions & so we will be returning December 22nd.  Thank goodness for insurance.

I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, BabyDaddie had a conversation with Virginia, in which he said the reason I am giving up my work hours, in the evening, is to look good in our court proceeding on December 20th.  In reality, I gave up my work hours in the evening because half of Virginia's grades for the last marking period were failing.  I strongly believe she needs more supervision & as the parent she lives with & gets along with, it is my responsibility to give her that.

I don't like my BabyDaddie, but I do respect him as the father of my only child.  It would be nice if he treated me respectfully, by first not having an adult conversation with our 14-year-old daughter, about issues that she does not need to know about & then by not saying mean spiteful things about her mother.

Now, here's the kicker.  BabyDaddie goes on & on about being a good little Christian, particularly when he said that I am a sad woman & I will never have love in my heart, until I accept Jesus Christ as my savior.  I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member, given his behavior.