"Not while you are alive!"

My mother has decided to start dating, for the first time, since my daddie died in January.  She called me a week ago & wanted to know if I wanted to "remain a daughter or become a friend".  Never hearing that question before, I pressed her for more information.  She said she had joined e-harmony & was interested in having James & me, go on a double date with her & her suitor.   I happily agreed.  Isn't that too cute?

I asked her to tell me about her suitor.  She said his name is John & he lives two states away.  When I mentioned that I had difficulty doing long distance relationships, she said that would be no problem, considering she had enough money to rent an apartment local to John for several months.  My mother is such as bad ass.

I then asked her to describe John.  Once she did, I paused for a moment & asked, "Is Daddie dead?"  Perplexed, she replied "Yeah, I am pretty sure I kissed him good-bye on his death bed.  Why do you ask?"  She had just described Daddie perfectly, except obviously John was alive.

I asked my mom if she would tell my brother about her dating.  She said, "Absolutely not.  He would never understand."  I giggled & said, "There are moments in our lives we  remember forever.  This is one of them for me.  As a parent, you can never tell a child if they are more favored above another.  However, by you sharing your plans with me & not with my brother, you are telling me you like me more."  She did not agree, but instead said, "You won't tell him."  I answered, "Not while you are alive!"

Daddie & Death

My mother called this morning & said my father will not be resuscitated if he should die. His organs will simply shut down one by one, leading to his eventual death. He is in no pain. Instead of waiting to see them this weekend, I am leaving today by train today & will remain, until my mother can handle life, as a widow. Thank you for all of your kind words & thoughts.

Hospital & Daddie

My daddie is back in the hospital again.  It seems that the bone marrow transplant did not take, as a result he is no longer eating, drinking, or peeing.  The next step is experimental drugs.  My heart goes out to my mother who just went through the death of her own mother less than a month ago & now will have to deal with the death of her husband of 40 years.

Update

James moved in yesterday. Things went incredible well & seemingly smooth, with the help of one of our girl crushes. Without her, we would have moved much more slowly, considering we found out she is quite the task master & neat freak. We would have moved a box from one apartment to the other & then chatted for an hour, while sipping homemade Sangria! For James, the move was a bit of a ritual, as he left one life to begin another. From time to time, I would glance at him & he would smile & say something like, “I can’t believe we are really doing this. I am so happy.”

My daddie seems to be doing better, considering he has now begun preparations for his bone marrow transplant. Earlier in the year, things seemed to have fallen apart, when he was not approved for the transplant, because the cancer would not go into remission during the prep time. My mother called me in a state of incredible sadness, as she said, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” She has had to go into retirement, in order to take care of my daddie. Because she is a nurse, she felt lost, not being able to take an active part in hospital life. However, when I spoke to her earlier this week, she said “This retirement thing is not so bad after all!”

Cancer Silliness

My mother called me recently & told me that my father is once again in the hospital battling his cancer. However, this time she was pretty sure that if cancer did not kill him that his silliness would.

Apparently, she arrived home to him lying in bed with a thermometer in his hand. When she questioned him on his day’s activities, he replied with “I think the thermometer is broken.” When she asked for more of an explanation, he said the thermometer was broken, because it read 103 degrees. My mother then placed her hand on his head & he was very hot. She said that the thermometer was not broken, because he has cancer & is sick. He cocked his head & said, “Are you sure?” My mother’s reply was “I have been a nurse for 25-years, I am pretty sure I know a broken thermometer from a good one.”

Bacterial Infection

My mom called me calmly yesterday & said that my daddie has been in ICU for the past two days, fighting a bacteria infection. In addition, after doing a scan, it was discovered that his tumors are growing again. It was actually a rather good sign that she waited two days to call. Since she waited, I knew that things could have been a lot worse. She also agreed, saying that he was recovering nicely.

Another Biopsy

My daddie goes in for another biopsy December 26th. It also happens to be his birthday. Hopefully, this time the doctors will get enough of a sample of whatever they need to get a sample of to find out if he needs a bone marrow transplant. My mom has requested that I join her for the festivities. As always, I will be there for both of them.

Biopsy Completed

My mother called a few minutes ago to let me know that my daddie had successfully completely his biopsy. The procedure will let us know whether or not he will need a bone marrow transplant, as a result of being treated for his non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma with chemotherapy. Sadly, my mother said she would not get the results until December 4th. However, because my mother is a nurse at the same hospital he is being treated, she may have access to his files as early as Tuesday, although she is not positive.

A Failing in my Personality

I finally chatted with my mother, when she was sober, about my father’s cancer. She was completely logical & calm, saying that she did not need me to visit, until she knew for sure something was wrong. This is the woman who raised me, not the inebriated one I spoke to the day before. I could tell she was in her no nonsense “nurse” mode. I will go ahead & listen to her advice & sit tight, until she has further news.

I have learned that I do not like being around sick people. They make me feel helpless, because I cannot help them. In my father’s case, I would not stay away, simply for that reason. He is the exception.

I realize that such a notion is a failing in my personality, which is a bit odd, considering I was raised by a nurse. I have an old boyfriend who was chronically sick, with epilepsy, sleep apnea, & other assorted ailments. He was the first sick boy I ever dated. He will also be the last. 

When I was with him, I was always concerned something was going to happen, such as a seizure. I also got am icky feeling in my tummy, when I saw his army of medication of the counter of my bathroom, when he visited overnight.

The Redskins & my Mother

I went to visit my parents over the weekend. As I walked into the house, after not seeing them for two months, my mother shushed me. I was stunned. Not because of the shushing itself, but because of the reason she was shushing me. She was watching a football game! 

I never recall my mother watching any type of sporting event, including my own little league games. However, she now sat before me watching the Redskins game, with an intensity I had never seen before. Apparently, my father was doing something in the basement, so she yelled scores & plays down to him every 60 seconds, as he joyfully listened. I was truly speechless. What the hell happened to my mother?!

Because I was only allowed to make a noise during the commercial, I piped up & asked what happened? She said she needed to learn to bond with my father in a new way after his retirement, so she choose football! My father sat down & explained the ends & outs of the game & apparently had given her an addiction. Although I wanted to ask her more questions, just for the entertainment value, I was unable to. The damn wench shushed me again, as the game return to the television!

"There are very few people in life that will run to your help you in times of desperation."

I have learned a very power lesson, awaiting my trial. There are very few people in life that will run to your help you in times of desperation. The ones that do, should be loved, respected, rewarded, & appreciated.

I was a bit surprised at the people who I thought would be more supportive, such as my brother. My brother, Edwin, has been a sad spirit, since his mid-twenties. I am not sure what happened in his life to make him disheartened. I am not sure if he is sad about life in general or me specifically. Whatever the answer, we have not had a heart felt conversation in 10 years, until three weeks after my arrest.

I was a bit puzzled as to why he did not contact me. The police took my personal cell phone, so I had no idea of how to contact him. In addition, because of the nature of our relationship & me being the focus of a bad situation, I thought he should be the one to reach out to me. When three weeks had passed, I contacted my mother & mentioned how disappointed I was in him. I also asked her to have him contact me & if he did not I was no longer interested in him, as a brother.

 

He promptly called two days later. Sadly, I was not able to talk to him directly, so he left a message. The message was disappointing. In his first sentence, he did not say something like “We have not connected in some time & I would like to make sure you are okay.” He instead said “I heard something bad happened to you.” His final sentence was “If you have any questions, please call.”

Well, I had questions, so I called. He answered & I told him I had two questions. The first one was, “Why did it take you the prompting of our mom to have you call me?” & “Why has it taken you 10 years to have a conversation with me?”

He replied with “I do not want to go into that”. I responded with “I really appreciate you calling. However, you have not been supportive of me in the last 10 years. Therefore there is no need for you to be supportive now. I truly wish you & your family well.” Then, I hung up.

I promptly called my parent’s home to let them know what happened. My father, home recovering from Hodgkin's lymphoma (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hodgkin's_lymphoma) answered. I relayed him the conversation I had with my brother. I heard him cry for the first time in 35 years. He said that Edwin often made him feel like he blamed my parents for something that has made him sad in his life. He said that when my brother called to ask him about his recovery, he asked the correct questions; however, there was no warmth in his voice.

My father then went on to say that no matter what had taken place in my life, I have always accepted responsibility, without blaming others. My brother seemed to be different in that regard.

Because I have not had an emotional connection with my brother in 10 years, I do not feel any regret over my conversation with him. In fact, I am proud of myself for standing up to him.  Up until two years ago, my parents have always assumed that we were both treating each other poorly. However, when I reached out to him & his family in a very generous manner & he refused me, without explanation, my parents realized he was the one with a sad heart.

My parent’s greatest concern is that when they die, my brother & I will have no connection & therefore the family will disappear. I suppose because I am so young, I cannot see that occurring. Perhaps when I am older, my brother will mean something to me.

Ihop

Several days ago, I went with my James to I hop. As we approached the host, he said, “Oh you are here with your daughter?” James, being 14-years older than I, just grinned. To the left, the manager of the restaurant overheard the conversation & nervously giggled. James turned towards the manager & said “I guess he is not working for tips.” The manager nodded. The host then said “I meant you are here with your husband”. I replied “He much more fun than that!” From time to time, the host would pass us at our booth, as he was seating others. However, he could not look us in the face.

Today, when my parents visited, in order to pick up my furniture, we decided to return to I hop for lunch, telling everyone in the group the story from the previous day. They giggled with delight, when we found out that the same host & the manager were both there. Apparently, the manager said something to the host after we left, because when he saw James again, he apologized profusely. Loving to make boys squirm, I gave my father a big hug, calling him daddie. I then turned around to James & gave him a big hug, calling him daddie! Both manager & host blushed from ear to ear.

My Daddie

As I mentioned in a previous post, the day before my arrest, my daddie was diagnosis with Hodgkin's lymphoma. As you can imagine, my family's focus was rightfully on him, rather than the media coverage of one little whore.

I am currently sitting in my parent's living room. I am happy to report that my daddie is doing incredibly well. He has two more chemotherapy sessions over the next month & he will be done for a bit. He was one of the few who had no ill affects associated with the chemo, which usually includes nausea, tiredness, hair loss, & weight loss. He was actually looking forward to the weight loss!