Yesterday, while driving Virginia to work, she paused & said "I know we don't always get along & I know I am a bitch; however, I want you to know I am really grateful you are my mother, because I have lots of friends who complain that their parents don't listen to them. I can never say that about you. You listen to me. You also don't act out in anger when I don't do what you think I should. You have always guided me, without judgement." I started to tear up, because my kid is notorious for not showing gratitude & I am notorious for not taking delight in being a mother. Those are the moments I hope for & rarely get. Those are the moments that touch me. Those are the moments that make it all worth while. Okay, that was a fib...
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I am getting excited about my future with James. It's 399 days, until Virginia, my only child, turns 18, no longer living with us & when the lease on our massively overly large & overly expensive house ends. I can't wait to move to the city, within walking distance of the subway (fingers crossed), get rid of my car, downsize, become debt-free, & focus completely on my future with James.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
My relationship with my new girl friend, Rachel, seems to be ending. I realized within three weeks of meeting her that I was not able to give her what she wanted emotionally.
She texted me on a Thursday afternoon, after not seeing me for several days, because of our schedule & said she was disappointed in me for hanging up on her the previous Monday. I asked her to give me details, because I didn't remember. It did not help. I apologized for hurting her feelings, saying I would be more cautious in the future. That was not enough.
In the end, she wanted to hear that I she had value in my life & wanted to know how much that value was. I was speechless. After three weeks, she had little to no value in my life. Uninterested in hurting her feelings, I said, with guidance from my boyfriend, James, that "I show people that I value them, by giving them my time & energy." Rachel was silent for several days. Finally, she came around & said she had digested that I could not give her what she needed, which was indeed correct.
Since then, I've texted her a few times a week, but I've not seen her in three weeks. Much of that was because she went on a trip to the other side of the country. But even then, I have not missed her.
When I met Rachel & she shared with me her past, filled with neglect & abuse of all kinds. I thought she was an incredibly strong women for not dwelling in the past. However, I realize based upon the parting of our spirits that she is still a little girl who needs to feel needed & valued. She cannot do that for herself & I cannot do it for her.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
I had dinner with Rachel, my new girlfriend, last night. I really enjoy chatting with her. However, I have noticed that she become a little needy, by my standards. For example, I don't do same-day stuff very well. By 8am, my entire day is planned. However, she prefers to do spur of the moment kinds of things & if I don't comply, she seems to get a little whiny So, I am trying to train her to give me some notice, by at least a day. I do make it worth her time, to prepare in advance, by coming up with fun things for us to do.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
James finally nailed his step-sister, while visiting Florida, with his family. It really got down to the wire, occurring the night before they had to leave the beach rental. Apparently, she was sharing a bed with her sister & did not want to leave in the middle of the night, fearing her bed mate would get suspicious. Fortunately, the whole family are winos & went to be early, while step-sister & James stayed up to do the naughty. She supposedly "guzzled that shit like the cumslut she is", although it was a bit rushed, because step-sister was jumpy. That means the family vacation was not a complete waste!