RIP: Grandma

My grandmother died last week, at the age of 85.  We were not at all surprised, considering she had battled dementia for the last two years.  We actually prayed for her death, since she would have been mortified at her own behavior, consisting of biting, spitting, & screaming.

Her dementia was caused from having adult onset diabetes, due to obesity.  The insulin she took for 50-years, eventually caused calcium deposits to form around her brain, impairing her brain function.

Gratefully, I had not seen her since my arrest two years ago.  She was a very difficult woman to love & because I am not very tolerant of mean people, I steered clear of her.  I can now remember her in better times.

We do not have funerals in my family, choosing instead to donate our bodies.  We have memorial services.  Sadly, I was not able to get to the service, due to the snow.  Even the trains were cancelled.

The greatest thing my grandmother taught me was to start taking better care of myself.  Her illness was completely preventable, if she only saw it as important.  I see it as very important.  Thank you, Grandma.

Holiday Plans

My plans for the holidays are to enjoy the season alone, as I have for the last 7 years or so.  My boyfriend is visiting his family, including his adult children, from the 23rd to the 27th in upstate New York.  Once he arrived, his mother mentioned I should have come too.  However, because of the nature of our relationship, I would have felt out of place.  Nonetheless, it was kind of her to consider me.  As for me, I find this is a great time for self reflection & making friends with myself again.

James's Divorce

James, my primary boyfriend, is in the process of getting divorced.  If everything goes as planned, it should be finalized on Oct. 1, 2010.  The process has been surprisingly amicable.  Once they went into counseling, James, finally told his wife the polyamorous lifestyle he wanted to live.  Sadly, the lifestyle he wants to live was not the one he & his wife had agreed to when they got engaged.  Although he told her he preferred to keep his marriage, as well as have additional romantic partners (not just sexual) during the therapy session, she rightly did not accept his philosophy.  Why should she?

Although I have never spoken to her, she has my deepest respect.  I was very proud of her for standing up to him & telling him she would not accept that arrangement.  Many women would have blamed themselves or worse.  In addition, she has help to create the man that I love.  Without her, there would be no him.

I can only wish her the very best.  I was completely charmed by her desire to have their marriage of 25-years annulled in the Catholic Church.  Being a good little agnostic,  I wasn't even aware they still did that.  Perhaps her intentions are to remarry.  What a wonderful thought.  I hope she finds someone who is worthy of her time, energy & love.  I also hope she finds someone who has her same lovestyle whether, monogamous or otherwise.

Update

James moved in yesterday. Things went incredible well & seemingly smooth, with the help of one of our girl crushes. Without her, we would have moved much more slowly, considering we found out she is quite the task master & neat freak. We would have moved a box from one apartment to the other & then chatted for an hour, while sipping homemade Sangria! For James, the move was a bit of a ritual, as he left one life to begin another. From time to time, I would glance at him & he would smile & say something like, “I can’t believe we are really doing this. I am so happy.”

My daddie seems to be doing better, considering he has now begun preparations for his bone marrow transplant. Earlier in the year, things seemed to have fallen apart, when he was not approved for the transplant, because the cancer would not go into remission during the prep time. My mother called me in a state of incredible sadness, as she said, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” She has had to go into retirement, in order to take care of my daddie. Because she is a nurse, she felt lost, not being able to take an active part in hospital life. However, when I spoke to her earlier this week, she said “This retirement thing is not so bad after all!”

James Moves In

My boyfriend of two years, James, & I have decided to move in together at the end of September. Although I had originally requested that for the fall of 2010, due to circumstances in his life, we choose to move the time frame up a year.

I am a bit nervous, because I have not lived with anyone else in six years. However, as we have gone through the process of picking out a new place, as well as discussing finances, I become more & more comfortable. We communicate incredibly well. I think as long as we keep that up, we will be successful.

Our sex lives will probably become more intense & varied, once he moves in, because he will have the ability to stay with me for extended periods of time. We are planning a trip to a local swing club in celebration, as well as becoming more active in the BDSM, pagan, & poly communities. In addition, we recently had a yummy threesome with one of our favorite girl crushes. Once we move in together, we hope to entertain her more, as well as others.

Slipping Through The Cracks

I went for my third probation appointment recently. This time is with a different officer. Apparently my previous officer was no longer working in that office. Now that I think about it, I am sure there is a great deal of turn over. I can’t imagine that the job pays very well or that there is much gratitude.

She went over my case, just as the other had, asking the same questions & completely perplexed as to the amount of the fine ($1000.00) & the length of the probation (3 years). When I explained the circumstances of the arrest & the media attention, she just shook her head. Then, she started pointing at the folders on her desk. I finished her thoughts in words, saying “Yeah, I know it’s a waste for me to be here. However, if I wasn’t, you would not be able to take a break, by enjoying these yummy cookies with me!” I then pulled out a bag of cookies from my bag. She smiled & nodded.

It was then I realized she was in the latter stages of pregnancy. She went on to explain that she was due in September & that I probably would not see her again. Yes, ladies & gentlemen. That means I have to go through the same process with another poor officer, along with my bag of cookies. (The corset cookies were a big hit a few months ago. Perhaps I will bring them next time.)

I mentioned that my last officer requested that I take a pee test every few months, without a specific time frame involved. She agreed, saying that I should take another one, when I visited in September. That means it will be 8 months between pee tests. It seems I have fallen through the cracks yet again. Of course, it really doesn’t make any difference in my case, considering I do not take illegal drugs. However, I wonder how many others in the system have fallen through the cracks too.

For those keeping track, there were only three people in the waiting room, with tattoos on their foreheads!

James & His Other Girlfriend Broke Up

James broke up with his other girlfriend recently. Being polyamorous, I am completely accepting & appreciative of other sources of joy in his life. In this case, I knew this relationship would not last long. I even voiced my thoughts to James. However, what attractive, middle aged man is going to say, “No”, to a 20-year-old girl? The relationship lasted about a month & taught both of them a tremendous amount about each other & what they wanted in a partner.

In the end, it is definitely for the best, considering both I & James will be dealing with some major emotional stuff in this upcoming year. I am pretty sure his other girlfriend would not be very helpful. After all, when I was 20, I had difficulty focusing on anyone other than myself for more than a few hours. I am sure the same is the case with most 20-year-olds.

I do believe they will eventually have a physical connection again. I think she needs to go into the world & live a traditional lifestyle, before she can appreciate an alternative one. Either way, she will always be appreciated for the joy she brought to my partner’s life, no matter how short the duration was.

Massage Party

I went to massage party recently with James, at the home of one of my girl crushes. I have been at massage parties before & love them, especially when the chemistry is right with everyone involved.

This party concept was apparently new to all the other people involved. I got that hint when, as we were sitting in the kitchen, over & over again they discussed the rules. After a long uncomfortable pause, I got up & said "Yipppeeeeee...Let's get naked", as I grabbed a bottle of wine & some glasses, heading downstairs.

When we got downstairs, people got into their little groups. James came with me, as did the hostess. She apparently was a little uncomfortable with the dynamics of the other group, feeling that we would make her feel more comfortable. I helped further in that endeavor, by stripping to a smile, as did the people in my group.

Our group had been together before, at least by way of hugs, friendship & camaraderie. As James would tell you, he & my girl crush are like two twelve-year-olds, when they are together. They would probably pee on themselves, if someone had told a fart joke. However, James has only admired her physically with his eyes.

On the other hand, I had specifically played with my girl crush. She & I had a short lived physical relationship last year, only to flicker out, when other responsibilities & stresses came to our lives.

I went first. As I lied down, James stayed at the base of feet, knowing I get gushy & mushy, when someone kneads them. My girl crush, naked, with her boobs dangling in my face, stayed at my head. From there, I guided her to all of my yummy points.

After about 15 minutes of pure bliss, we switched with James getting in the middle. Because he of the masculine persuasion, his whole body is a g-spot. Therefore, we did not have to concentrate in on one place. He was perfectly happy to be the center of attention of two nekkid chicks, no matter what they were doing.

Finally, my girl crush went. She lay down before us, as though she was on an altar, stretched out like a cat. I stayed at her feet, with James at her head. We rhythmically began to massage her, starting at the two most distant points & slowing moving towards her center, eventually ending up just above her pelvic bone.

I am pretty sure the other group had a difficulty completing their massages, considering they stared at us in envy the entire time. Our last pose, was the three of us sitting in each other’s laps, like a sandwich, with my girl crush in the middle, smiling & enjoying our energy.

Whores Amongst Us

The whores in my former life have been coming out of the woodwork in the past few days. Recently, I was at my grocery store shopping late at night, when low & behold, I turned around and there was  one, leaning over the hot dogs and discussing the price with her companion. I immediately left my cart and headed for the exit, wanting nothing to do with anyone still in the business.

You would have thought my arrest would have given her a clue about her future, considering she, with her full legal name, where mentioned in my arrest report. I do believe she is intelligent enough to survive outside of the sex industry. Perhaps not focused enough, but definitely intelligent enough.

In addition, James received an email from a group of whores announcing a play party. He giggled, when it occurred to him that they were the same whores who have been putting on the same play parties for years. I told him he should go and enjoy himself.

I always believe in signs from the universe. I am not sure what these signs mean. I want to stay as far away from that world as possible. Perhaps it's just a reminder than I need to take my pee test!

Cancer Silliness

My mother called me recently & told me that my father is once again in the hospital battling his cancer. However, this time she was pretty sure that if cancer did not kill him that his silliness would.

Apparently, she arrived home to him lying in bed with a thermometer in his hand. When she questioned him on his day’s activities, he replied with “I think the thermometer is broken.” When she asked for more of an explanation, he said the thermometer was broken, because it read 103 degrees. My mother then placed her hand on his head & he was very hot. She said that the thermometer was not broken, because he has cancer & is sick. He cocked his head & said, “Are you sure?” My mother’s reply was “I have been a nurse for 25-years, I am pretty sure I know a broken thermometer from a good one.”

Stronger

It has been just over a year, since my arrest for profiting off an illegal business. In the past year, I have learned many wonderful things that have lead me to love myself more, along with becoming more confident. Less face it, when your mug shot is on the news, you can either be completely accepting of yourself or go into self loathing. I chose to embrace myself, including all of my faults & mistakes. I have become stronger. I know that in that regard, I am incredibly lucky. There are people who live long lives & never fully love themselves. There are people who live long lives & never live a life less than ordinary.

We Three

As I have mentioned several times, I am polyamorous (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamourous). I believe that I have the ability to fall in love with more than one person. I seem to prefer two partners, although currently I am happily involved with only one. The last time I had two partners was in the early summer of last year.

Happily, my boyfriend of 19-months, James, has found someone else to love in addition to me. I am very accepting & supported of his new relationship, although I am not involved with her or their romance. I have known her for about a year & long ago said that they would be involved emotionally with each other, long before James agreed.

I have found myself to be very protective of her, because she is young (in her early 20’s), inexperienced, attractive, kinky (pain slut & into bondage) & poly. In most realms of the universe, she would be a target for lascivious people. I am pleased that my partner can perhaps be a mentor to her, as well as a lover.

I & James are not sure where their romance will go. In reality, their age difference makes them on different life paths. James will not have children or get married. However, as a girl in her early twenties, chances are likely she will want to go down that path. For the time being, I am simply enjoying the new love & energy she is bringing to James’s life & secondarily to me.

Circus!

Every year the circus comes to my hometown on my birthday. Not around my birthday, but the day of my birthday. As a child, my whole family had me convinced that I was so special that the circus was there just for me. As a result of that, I never missed a year of the circus, except for March of 2008, two weeks after my arrest. I have promised myself NEVER to miss the circus again!

Bacterial Infection

My mom called me calmly yesterday & said that my daddie has been in ICU for the past two days, fighting a bacteria infection. In addition, after doing a scan, it was discovered that his tumors are growing again. It was actually a rather good sign that she waited two days to call. Since she waited, I knew that things could have been a lot worse. She also agreed, saying that he was recovering nicely.

Sushi, Cheeseburgers & Sex

I never realized how much food could be a key to a person’s personality.  I recently without success, started going out with two boys.

After several weeks of gentle coercing, the first willing decided to go to a sushi restaurant, if he could be guaranteed that they had vegetarian sushi.  Luckily, this particular restaurant had a vegetarian sushi platter.  He ordered & enjoyed everything, although he refused the mushrooms.  I also failed to tell him that I had slipped three seafood bites on his platter.  He loved those the most.  I decided not to tell him, because if our relationship continued, he would be angry at me for not being honest & sabotaging his stanch food regiment.  I knew at that point, if a boy was not willing to retry something he did not like from years ago, he was probably not the best choice for me.  That relationship continued for a few weeks, until we decided we were not a good match, considering he was focused on his job & being obsessed with another wench.

On the first date, with the second boy, we went to an Olive Garden.  Now, I would not really consider that the best choice on his behalf.  I don’t think I would run home & coo to my girlfriends “He such a nice guy & he took me to an Olive Garden for dinner!”  However, I quickly realized that his taste in food was limited to “American” & Italian.  While at the Olive Garden, he ordered a dish that was not on the menu.  He ordered spaghetti with plain sauce.  In my head I am thinking “You must be joking.  You are ordering a meal you could have made at home.  How boring.”  That should have been a clue right there.  However, hope springs eternal & I decided to take him for another test run at a local museum.  After the museum, we decided to eat at a more upscale restaurant.  There he ordered a cheeseburger, without the cheese & no tomatoes.  Then, I pointed out two appetizers I was interested in getting, one being the spinach & crab dip, the other being the hummus.  I asked which on he preferred, he replied that he did not like either.  When I asked him to pick something he would enjoy, he went for the most pedestrian choice:  Buffalo wings.  Even those ended up being too spicy for him.  In my head, I was thinking “Really?!”   After the meal, I told him I really enjoyed his time & energy.  However, I was not interested in him romantically.  If a boy is unwilling to have a little meat in his spaghetti sauce & cheese on his cheeseburger, what is he unwilling to have in bed?

Tinkle Tinkle Little Star

I headed to my probation officer late last month in order to complete my quarterly pee test. Although many people would complain at such a nuisance, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest, considering I don’t use drugs & to me, it’s just another chapter in my book. As in all things in my world, the simplest of things turned into a comedy routine.

I had prepared in advance of the trip, by drinking as much liquids as I possibly could. However, I seemingly drank too much & at the last moment had to pee at my apartment, before heading to the pee test, 20 minutes away.

When I arrived, I patiently sat & waited for my name to be called. Once called, the admin lady walked with me to pee in my little cup, across the hall in the public restroom. I entered the handicap stall, as she looked on. As I had mentioned in an earlier post, I have difficulty peeing in front of other people, particularly while holding a cup between my legs, when sitting on a cold toilet seat. As I explained my situation to the pee lady, she nodded & began a conversation with a cleaning lady, while shutting my stall door.

I tried. I tried. I swear I tried. I even pushed on my tummy, in hopes of getting few drops. No such luck! The pee lady smiling said that I could get friendly with the drinking fountain, while she took her 15 minute break. I agreed, returning the still sterile & empty cup to her & its plastic bag.

Heading for the water fountain, beside the elevator, I noticed a sight that can only be seen in the Department of Parole & Probation. A young girl, perhaps a teenager, strolled by with an infant in tow, along with a 7 month pregnant belly, carrying a handbag with the Playboy Bunny logo on it. Now I know how she got into that predicament!

As I began to guzzle water at one minute increments, my head & tummy began to swell, as my eyes popped out. I knew for sure I would be able to fill up at least a dozen little pee cups. Happily, when the pee lady returned, we headed for the potties.

I tried. I tried. I swear I tried. I even pushed on my tummy, in hopes of getting few drops. No such luck! So, I casually started singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”. I guess the idea worked, because low & behold, my pee lady scurried into the next stall & began to pee, while singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”! The next person entered & began singing too. When I finally got up, after barely making it to the pee line in the cup, all four stalls were entertaining grown women singing “Tinkle Tinkle Little Star”.

Relived that the pee lady approved my donation, I left for home. You guessed it, once I arrived; I had to pee like a race horse!