"She cannot do that for herself & I cannot do it for her."

My relationship with my new girl friend, Rachel, seems to be ending. I realized within three weeks of meeting her that I was not able to give her what she wanted emotionally.

She texted me on a Thursday afternoon, after not seeing me for several days, because of our schedule & said she was disappointed in me for hanging up on her the previous Monday.  I asked her to give me details, because I didn't remember.  It did not help.  I apologized for hurting her feelings, saying I would be more cautious in the future.  That was not enough.

In the end, she wanted to hear that I she had value in my life & wanted to know how much that value was.  I was speechless.  After three weeks, she had little to no value in my life.  Uninterested in hurting her feelings, I said, with guidance from my boyfriend, James, that "I show people that I value them, by giving them my time & energy."  Rachel was silent for several days.  Finally, she came around & said she had digested that I could not give her what she needed, which was indeed correct.  

Since then, I've texted her a few times a week, but I've not seen her in three weeks.  Much of that was because she went on a trip to the other side of the country.  But even then, I have not missed her.

When I met Rachel & she shared with me her past, filled with neglect & abuse of all kinds.  I thought she was an incredibly strong women for not dwelling in the past.  However, I realize based upon the parting of our spirits that she is still a little girl who needs to feel needed & valued.  She cannot do that for herself & I cannot do it for her.

Training Rachel

I had dinner with Rachel, my new girlfriend, last night.  I really enjoy chatting with her.  However, I have noticed that she become a little needy, by my standards.  For example, I don't do same-day stuff very well.  By 8am, my entire day is planned.    However, she prefers to do spur of the moment kinds of things & if I don't comply, she seems to get a little whiny   So, I am trying to train her to give me some notice, by at least a day.  I do make it worth her time, to prepare in advance, by coming up with fun things for us to do.

Introducing Rachel

I met a girl online at OKCupid, named Rachel.  She & I have been dating for the last three weeks.  She fascinates me.  I think I am most fascinated with her, because she had atrocious things occur to her in her childhood, including molestation, but has taken the stand to embrace those events that make her who she is & move on.  She is not an angry or sad survivor.  She is just Rachel.

One of the interesting things she does is tell stories about her life, such as the time when she was paid to have sex with straight women, while their boyfriends watch, in a club & then the last thing she will add is "I was 14".  Or when she was growing pot on the roof of her parent's apartment to make money for food & will finish with "I was 11".  She has dozens of these stories.

Later we discussed the reason she shared those deeply personal moments, even with new people in her life.  She explained she was testing them.  She new that some people are judgmental or think she needs help, so she has a list of "beginner" stories she tells, to get a reading on the listeners stance.

I can understand why I am still around.  I believe that everyone gets through life as best as they know how.  Who am I to judge their journey?  I have my own to ponder.