Family Therapy

I have decided to return to family therapy with Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter.  It seems we have difficulty communicating & she transfers her anger towards her father to me.  The last time I, BabyDaddie & Virginia went to family therapy, the therapist said I did not need to be there, because  I seemed to have a healthier relationship with Virginia, than BabyDaddie.  So, the two of them, continued to go to therapy two more times.  However, they soon stopped.

This time, I am focused on my relationship with her, rather than there's.  This has enraged BabyDaddie, because he believes that he should be there, every time Virginia goes to therapy.  I disagree, because I know if he does attend he & his problems will take over the meeting & I want to focus on my relationship with her.  Besides, if he wanted to have more therapy sessions with Virginia, he could schedule them himself.

I think the real reason he does not want me to go to therapy with her is because he thinks negative things will be said about him.  I also think he believes that me taking her to therapy may look good in court.  In reality,  I try to avoid saying anything negative about BabyDaddie & I would take her to therapy, even if a court date was not approaching.

Our first therapy session with just us girls is tomorrow at 10:30am.

"Not while you are alive!"

My mother has decided to start dating, for the first time, since my daddie died in January.  She called me a week ago & wanted to know if I wanted to "remain a daughter or become a friend".  Never hearing that question before, I pressed her for more information.  She said she had joined e-harmony & was interested in having James & me, go on a double date with her & her suitor.   I happily agreed.  Isn't that too cute?

I asked her to tell me about her suitor.  She said his name is John & he lives two states away.  When I mentioned that I had difficulty doing long distance relationships, she said that would be no problem, considering she had enough money to rent an apartment local to John for several months.  My mother is such as bad ass.

I then asked her to describe John.  Once she did, I paused for a moment & asked, "Is Daddie dead?"  Perplexed, she replied "Yeah, I am pretty sure I kissed him good-bye on his death bed.  Why do you ask?"  She had just described Daddie perfectly, except obviously John was alive.

I asked my mom if she would tell my brother about her dating.  She said, "Absolutely not.  He would never understand."  I giggled & said, "There are moments in our lives we  remember forever.  This is one of them for me.  As a parent, you can never tell a child if they are more favored above another.  However, by you sharing your plans with me & not with my brother, you are telling me you like me more."  She did not agree, but instead said, "You won't tell him."  I answered, "Not while you are alive!"

Successful Family Therapy

I & Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter, went to our family therapy appointment today.  My goal was to learn to communicate better, as many of our conversations end in tears & yelling.

After asking questions & hearing us talk, our therapist had an opinion.  She told Virginia that she was not completely faultless in our issues we were having.  She pointed out to Virginia that she had a tendency to interrupt people & did not accept responsibility for her actions.  I had mentioned those things to Virginia several times, but as most teenagers do, she tunes me out, when she thinks I am attacking her.  It felt good to have someone else recognize those characteristics & tell Virginia.

As for me, she said I needed to make sure Virginia & I were on the same page, when I gave her an answer to a request she makes.  She said that many teenagers do not understand the concept of "Let me think about it", "maybe", or  "It's a possibility", because they will translate all of that into "Yes".  She said if I could not give Virginia an answer immediately, I should just say, "No."  Also, when I did give an answer, I should ask Virginia to repeat what I said to her, to make sure she heard my answer accurately.

Also, something both sad & interesting manifested itself in the session.  Virginia said she believed that the reason I was taking my evenings off in order to be with her, after receiving her poor grades in the last semester, was to look good at our court appearance on December 20th.  That is exactly the same thing BabyDaddie told her.  So, apparently although she says she does not listen to him, he still has a negative influence over her.

I knew about the court date a full month, prior to Virginia's poor grades.  Therefore, the therapist said that me changing my work hours had nothing to do with the court date.   In addition, the therapist said people change for all kinds of reasons & whether it was because of her grades or the court appearance makes no difference in the end.  The test would be whether or not I maintained my hours with Virginia in the evenings, after the court appearance.

I have every intention of doing that.  In fact, I want Virginia to be disappointed when I am not with her in the evenings.  To accomplish that, we are settling into a ritual that seems to be pleasant of both of us.  From 6pm to 8pm, we have quiet time.  For those two hours, we turn off all tech stuff, including cell phones & computers.  Usually, she does her homework & I make dinner.  Then, from 8pm to 10pm she retreats to her room or we watch a movie.  However, I hope to make the 8pm to 10pm time frame even more productive by joining a gym & having her be my gym buddy, as she has mentioned wanting to do in the past.

Our therapist said she thought we needed more sessions & so we will be returning December 22nd.  Thank goodness for insurance.

"How about I just give that money to someone who is not financially stable?!"

I went to see my probation officer yesterday.  Because I am only on administrative probation, I see her once every 3 months for pleading guilty to profiting off an illegal business in the spring of 2008.  Unbelievably, the meetings take less than five minutes & no longer include any drug testing.

I still seem to be an odd person for her.  For example, she told me I overpaid my fine by $400 & no longer owed any money.  When I explained that I was financially stable & it was not a big deal to have $400 tied up, she laughed & said, "How about I just give that money to someone who is not financially stable?!"   Ummmm....yeah.  I should have never mentioned that.

Anyway, I no longer owe money, no longer take drug tests, & I am off probation in August of 2011.  I have decided to have a probation party & invite my probation officer, judge, arresting detective, police, prosecuting attorney, & criminal defense attorney!  After that, I plan to have my record exonerated.

It's just another chapter in my book of life.

I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, BabyDaddie had a conversation with Virginia, in which he said the reason I am giving up my work hours, in the evening, is to look good in our court proceeding on December 20th.  In reality, I gave up my work hours in the evening because half of Virginia's grades for the last marking period were failing.  I strongly believe she needs more supervision & as the parent she lives with & gets along with, it is my responsibility to give her that.

I don't like my BabyDaddie, but I do respect him as the father of my only child.  It would be nice if he treated me respectfully, by first not having an adult conversation with our 14-year-old daughter, about issues that she does not need to know about & then by not saying mean spiteful things about her mother.

Now, here's the kicker.  BabyDaddie goes on & on about being a good little Christian, particularly when he said that I am a sad woman & I will never have love in my heart, until I accept Jesus Christ as my savior.  I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member, given his behavior.

Update

I apologize for not writing in so long.  I will endeavor to write at least every other day.  Many wonderful & not so wonderful things have occurred, since July.

I have begun a romantic & sexual relationship, with the full knowledge & approval of James, my live in boyfriend.   Although Landon & I come from different worlds & on the surface he is not someone I would have chosen, I have fallen in love with him.

The three of us have had to become negotiate our new lives.   For the most part, I spend alternating night with each of them, in the same home, but different rooms.  Landon has claimed the 2nd spare bedroom as his, not feeling comfortable in sleeping or having sex in the bedroom I normally share with James.

Things have not been completely smooth.   Both boyfriends love & adore me.  Therefore, I am always the center of attention for both & both always desire my attention, when I am near.  As you can imagine that gets a bit wonky, when the three of us are spending time together, though that is rare.  James has mention that he thinks I focus on Landon more when the three of us are together.  I am unsure of whether that is true.  However, now that I know James's feelings, I have paid more attention to my actions.  On the flip side, Landon feels a sense of wonkiness, when he is around James.   He says he does not feel jealousy or hate, but a feeling of James being proprietary of me.  Landon asked that I not mention these things to James.  I agreed not to, but I did say that he needs to say something to James himself, if he expects anything to change.

Landon has alluded to moving in with James & me.   I would love for that to come true, although I don't think it would be practical any time soon, especially considering the recent revelations from both boyfriends.  In addition, Landon has some real estate he needs to sell, before he decides where he is going to live.  James has not said no to the idea.  There are advantages to three adults living together, including financial stability & larger home.  For us, that would be going from a three bedroom apartment to a single family home.  In my opinion, James should not bring up the topic of living together, until Landon brings it up first.

My life with Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter, has become more sad & stressful.   She has refused to spend Thanksgiving with family, choosing to spend it with her friend.  She has a tendency to act out negatively when she is forced to see her father overnight.  This past week she was suppose to spend four days with him, something she has not done, since she rejected him in the June of 2009.  To make sure that did not occur, she disappeared, going instead to her friends.  Her father left town without her, in order to focus on his holiday with his new family.

I have not been particularly strong in all of this.   I cried out of the sadness Virginia has caused. I have cried of frustration for having to love this child that is virtually impossible to love & now whom I am fighting for custody of on December 20th.  However, I have decided that I will no longer allow her to control me or my emotions.  Sadly, I have become apathetic to my only child.

Daddie & Death

My mother called this morning & said my father will not be resuscitated if he should die. His organs will simply shut down one by one, leading to his eventual death. He is in no pain. Instead of waiting to see them this weekend, I am leaving today by train today & will remain, until my mother can handle life, as a widow. Thank you for all of your kind words & thoughts.

Hospital & Daddie

My daddie is back in the hospital again.  It seems that the bone marrow transplant did not take, as a result he is no longer eating, drinking, or peeing.  The next step is experimental drugs.  My heart goes out to my mother who just went through the death of her own mother less than a month ago & now will have to deal with the death of her husband of 40 years.