Friday, May 31, 2013

James & Waxing

Last night, while out getting James's haircut, I convinced him to have his eyebrows waxed.  He got a funny awkward look on his face, but agreed.  He went through the process, as I giggled, ending up with red eyes & a temporarily sore brow.  While in the car, he asked "Are you happy now?"  I said yes.  He replied, "You know I only do that to make you laugh?!"  


Sigh... I love James :)


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

10 Life-Enhancing Things You Can Do in Ten Minutes or Less


http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/40925/

By Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.

Love Flow Chart


Monday, May 27, 2013

Don't be a Petraeus: A Tutorial on Anonymous Email Accounts


Tomorrow, as the Senate Judiciary Committee considers reforming the decades-old federal email privacy law, the personal Inboxes and love lives of senior military and intelligence figures may be on that august body's mind.  When the FBI pored through the personal lives of CIA Director David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, Jill Kelly and General John Allen, citizens across the land began to wonder how the FBI could get that kind of information, both legally and technically.

So, just how do you exchange messages with someone, without leaving discoverable records with your webmail provider? This is an important practical skill, whether you need to use it to keep your love life private, to talk confidentially with a journalist, or because you're engaged in politics in a country where the authorities use law enforcement and surveillance methods against you.

The current state of anonymous communication tools is not perfect, but there here are some steps that, if followed rigorously, might have protected the Director of the CIA, the Commander, U.S. Forces Afghanistan, and their friends against such effortless intrusion into their private affairs.

Pseudonymous webmail with Tor

According to press reports, Broadwell and Petraeus used pseudonymous webmail accounts to talk to each other. That was a prudent first step, but it was ineffectual once the government examined Google's logs to find the IP address that Broadwell was using to log into her pseudonymous account, and then checked to see what other, non-pseudonymous, accounts had been used from the same IP address. Under current US law, much of this information receives inadequate protection, and could be obtained from a webmail provider by the FBI without even requiring a warrant.

Because webmail providers like Google choose to keep extremely extensive logs1, protecting your pseudonymous webmail against this kind of de-anonymization attack requires forethought and discipline.

You should use the Tor Browser Bundle when setting up and accessing your webmail account. You must always use Tor. If you mess up just once and log into the pseudonymous account from your real IP address, chances are that your webmail provider will keep linkable records about you forever. You will also need to ensure that you do not give your webmail provider any information that is linked to your real world identity. For instance, if prompted for an email account, do not use another real account during signup; use a throwaway address instead.

Download the Tor Browser Bundle

To use Tor, start by downloading the Tor Browser Bundle by going to Tor Download page: https://www.torproject.org/download/download-easy.html.en, shown in the screenshot below, and click on the Download button for the  appropriate browser bundle for your operating system. The screenshot below shows the Tor Browser Bundle for Windows.


The Tor Bowser Bundle is a zip self-extracting archive. Click "extract" to extract the files from the archive.


To start the Tor Browser in Windows, go to Local Disk-->Program Files-->Tor Browser and double click on "Start Tor Browser," shown in the screenshot below:


When the Tor Browser launches, it will automatically test itself to see if Tor is working correctly. If Tor is correctly anonymizing your traffic, it will display a message saying, "Congratulations. Your browser is configured to use Tor." It will also display the IP address that your traffic appears to be coming from. This is the IP address your webmail provider will see when you go to set up your webmail account. 

Set Up A Webmail Account

Now that you have your Tor Browser up and running, use it to set up a new webmail account, ideally with a provider that you do not otherwise use. Using a separate webmail provider will help you to distinguish between your anonymous account and your regular email account. Hushmail allows users to set up new webmail accounts while using Tor to protect their anonymity, which is why we are using it in this tutorial. Note that Hushmail has a checkered history, but it is the only webmail service we are aware of that allows the use of Tor in this way--something we'd like to see changed.  Google tries to prevent people from signing up for Gmail accounts pseudonymously, and alternatives like Yahoo! Mail are missing HTTPS protection. Without both HTTPS and Tor at the time of creation and use, your account is not truly anonymous.  As an added precaution, you may want to use public wifi at an Internet cafe or a library whenever you connect.

To set up your Hushmail account, go to https://www.hushmail.com/start, shown in the screenshot below, and click the "Try Hushmail" button, which will allow you to set up a free Hushmail account.


Fill in the form shown in the screenshot below. Remember to choose a strong password. You must also check a box acknowledging that Hushmail will cooperate fully with authorities pursuing evidence via valid legal channels. This means that, given a proper court order, Hushmail may give up metadata about your messages--the IP addresses you've been logging in from (luckily you use Tor every single time), the times you've logged into your webmail, and the email addresses of the people with whom you've been corresponding. Hushmail may even give up the contents of your messages to law enforcement, and has in the past as we note above, which is why you want to make sure that your messages never contain any information that may give your identity away if you wish to remain anonymous. If you are concerned about law enforcement obtaining the contents of your emails from Hushmail, you should encrypt your email correspondence using OpenPGP.


When you send messages via Hushmail, beware the "Ecrypt" checkbox, shown in the screenshot below. This is not end-to-end encryption like PGP. Hushmail will still have access to the plaintext of your email messages. This means that you are not safe from de-anonymization via the clues you type into your pseudonymous emails.

Using End-to-End Encryption With Your Pseudonymous Email Account

Setting up pseudonymous PGP/GPG in Hushmail is an complicated task that lies outside the scope of this tutorial. You are unlikely to do it safely unless you are quite technically sophisticated, and any mistakes could break the pseudonymity of your account. If you do want to attempt to do this, here are some considerations to bear in mind:
  • You will need to make a new key just for your pseudonymous account and the other pseudonymous people you want to talk to will need to do the same
  • You will need to figure out a way to exchange public key fingerprints with them. Your Hushmail accounts are probably good enough for this.
  • You will need to make sure that all of the software you use to handle the key (intentionally or unintentionally) is always Torified
  • If you use PGP normally for non-pseudonymous purposes, you will need to make sure that no PGP software uses or produces evidence of one key in the context of your other identity.

Conclusion

Anonymous online communication is a valuable tool for journalists, whistleblowers, dissidents, and Directors of the CIA. As you can see, it is still quite hard to do and do well, and few people will have the discipline necessary to ensure that their webmail provider can never disclose their IP address or inter-account linkages, because the provider will never see the identifying information in the first place.  Technologists all over the world are hard at work, improving the usability of all sorts of anonymous online communications tools, and we look forward to the day when all people who need to exercise their freedom of expression can do so safely, simply, and anonymously.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Latest Psychological Guide to Sexually Open Relationships


A classic psychology study explored men's greater appetite for sex without ties; an attractive male or female approached strangers of the other sex at a college, declaring, "I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive." The collaborators with the experiment then asked one of three questions, randomly selected before approaching the subject: (a) Would you go out with me tonight? (b) Would you come over to my apartment tonight? (c) Would you go to bed with me tonight?


To the first question, both males and females assented 50% of the time. To the second, 69% of males and 6% of females responded affirmatively. To the third question, 75% of males, and 0% of females said yes, and the men who declined often apologized and cited a conflict due to previous plans.

Another study found males wanting an average of 18 sex partners in their lifetime, compared to women, who reported desiring four to five partners.

Kevin Zimmerman from Iowa State University, cites these studies in an intriguing academic guide to sexually open relationships, which has recently been published.

He marshals a host of scientific research which questions whether everyone was really meant to be monogamous, and whether a great deal of couples' unhappiness arises out of pre-supposing monogamy is the only option.

Zimmerman raises the question of whether we could be socialized to believe that to be devoted to a second person is to love the first less, even though this standard does not apply when discussing adoring more than one child, for example.

Zimmerman explains that open relationships are different from infidelity or cheating because partners agree on the sexual boundaries of the relationship, and there is no deception about sex. Successful open relationships typically involve those who privilege authenticity over conformity in their relationships. 'Open' relationships can be characterised by more honesty and better observation of boundaries.

Zimmerman's paper is published in the 'Journal of Feminist Family Therapy' - 'open' relationships are sometimes seen as raising the status of women, releasing them to be with whom they want, bestowing greater power over their own bodies. Some heterosexual feminist women prefer 'open' relationships, he points out, to avoid appearing dependent on men, or out of contempt for being 'submerged' into a couple.

Surveys indicate that 79% of Americans believe that it's always wrong for the married to conduct sexual relationships outside of marriage, yet the most up to date research Zimmerman quotes indicates estimates of infidelity are closer to 60% for men and 40% for women.

Monogamy is also the exception to relationships throughout the animal kingdom. Zimmerman cites work contending that of 4,000 mammal species, only about 3%, have been found to be monogamous, plus of the world's roughly 400 species of primates, monogamy has been reported for only nine.

Zimmerman argues even the shape of the male penis, together with male thrusting, apparently facilitates removal of other males' semen from the vagina, according to previous research. In monogamous species, males and females are similar in body size and the males sport smaller testicles compared to non-monogamous males - testicle and body size of men in homo sapiens is what would be expected for a polygamous species. Our body shape reveals we are not biologically designed to be faithful.

Zimmerman's paper entitled, 'Clients in Sexually Open Relationships: Considerations for Therapists', explains that optimal evolutionary strategy is to appear monogamous while being polygamous covertly. It might be in the best interest of both men and women to present (or misrepresent) themselves to potential mates as loyal. A particular advantage might accrue to females who present (misrepresent) themselves as having a low sex drive, linked to uncertainty of paternity.

Of the 185 human societies investigated in one study, only 29 restricted their members to monogamy, in addition, 154 of the 185 societies allowed men to have multiple partners if they could afford them.

Zimmerman explains that 'Partnered non-monogamy' refers to a committed couple that allows for sex outside the central relationship. Swinging is non-monogamy in a social context, also referred to as "the lifestyle", 'Polyamory' allows for partners to have more than one relationship that is sexual, loving, and emotional. 'Polyfidelity' refers to three or more people who have made a commitment to be in a primary relationship together. A monogamous/non-monogamous partnership is one in which one person is monogamous and the other is not.

Bisexual women appear numerous in polyamorous communities; the standing joke being that they can "have their Jake and Edith too". According to Zimmerman, research confirms homosexual couples are much more likely to allow extra-dyadic sex. Two thirds of male couples of all durations are in sexually open relationships. All 156 homosexual couples in one sample who had been together for over five years, described their relationships as being open, indicating that having an open relationship may be related to couple longevity. Zimmerman also cites surveys which confirm that heterosexual couples in open relationships can be happy, intimate, and well-adjusted.
In a society in which monogamy is the only acceptable way to be in a committed relationship, Zimmerman contends individuals who experience attraction for anyone else besides their primary partner, often experience guilt shame, and deceit. Being too invested in the idea of monogamy and marriage paradoxically makes it more likely that many find the only way to accommodate our non-monogamous biology, is to cheat.


Many choose to carry on a secret sex life rather than openly discuss and resolve conflicts with their partners, because of the social taboos that exist about extra-relational sex and sex generally.

These arguments and evidence suggest the stigma over open relationships could be changing, and in the future, this lifestyle might even become the norm. Zimmerman compares co-habitation before or instead of marriage, around which there was a similar strong taboo just a generation ago.

Zimmerman's paper contends that couples therapists might need to confront their implicit 'hetero-centrism' - that heterosexuality and heterosexual relationships are the norm against which all other sexualities and sexual relationships should be judged.

One of the co-authors of this article (HH-N) experiences of working in sexual therapy has been that the "I" generation (those born in 1980-99) seem less empathic towards partners' feelings and values and seem less committed to life-long relationships. Many from all generations live in "intimate" relationships that do not fulfil sexual needs. Partners may be chosen because they are supportive or would make good parents, but these qualities do not necessary match with being a great lover.
Given the new opportunities provided by the internet, it is inevitable, sex outside marriages is therefore probably increasing.
Yet whether this is indeed a good thing, or not, remains open to question.


Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sexworker Discounts

Sexworkers have a habit of posting discounts & negotiating rates from the 25th through the 5th of the month.  Why?  Because they need to pay their rent, if they are not responsible & positively reviewed sexworkers.  Otherwise, most reputable providers will not offer discounts, in public, or negotiate rates.    However, they may offer discounts to their repeat clients, when they are visiting.


Friday, May 24, 2013

Google Image Search is Your Friend

Google Image Search is a great weapon in your arsenal to find a quality sexworker.  The online program will allow you to find a duplicate of any image on the net.  Why is this important to you?  I will give you an example.  What if there is a sexworker on BackPage advertising & you are interested in contracting her services?  You can take the picture she uses on her ad & run it though the program, seeing it if pops up on any other websites, such as rip off websites, police profile pictures, or even her personal facebook page.  Here's how it works.

1.  right click the image & save it on your computer, in your secret file, that your wife cannot access.
3.  Click "images" in the top left corner.
4.  On the center search bar, click the little camera at the right end of the bar.
5.  When the box pops us, click "upload image".
6.  Upload the naughty photo you saved in your secret file.
7.  The next page will be the other duplicate pictures on the net, along with ones that have the same attributes.

Click onto any other images that are the same as the picture you uploaded.  Did you find anything interesting?


Thursday, May 23, 2013

"I am really grateful you are my mother"

Yesterday, while driving Virginia to work, she paused & said "I know we don't always get along & I know I am a bitch; however, I want you to know I am really grateful you are my mother, because I have lots of friends who complain that their parents don't listen to them. I can never say that about you. You listen to me. You also don't act out in anger when I don't do what you think I should. You have always guided me, without judgement." I started to tear up, because my kid is notorious for not showing gratitude & I am notorious for not taking delight in being a mother. Those are the moments I hope for & rarely get. Those are the moments that touch me. Those are the moments that make it all worth while. Okay, that was a fib...



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

399 Days

I am getting excited about my future with James.  It's 399 days, until Virginia, my only child, turns 18, no longer living with us & when the lease on our massively overly large & overly expensive house ends. I can't wait to move to the city, within walking distance of the subway (fingers crossed), get rid of my car, downsize, become debt-free, & focus completely on my future with James.



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

"She cannot do that for herself & I cannot do it for her."

My relationship with my new girl friend, Rachel, seems to be ending. I realized within three weeks of meeting her that I was not able to give her what she wanted emotionally.

She texted me on a Thursday afternoon, after not seeing me for several days, because of our schedule & said she was disappointed in me for hanging up on her the previous Monday.  I asked her to give me details, because I didn't remember.  It did not help.  I apologized for hurting her feelings, saying I would be more cautious in the future.  That was not enough.

In the end, she wanted to hear that I she had value in my life & wanted to know how much that value was.  I was speechless.  After three weeks, she had little to no value in my life.  Uninterested in hurting her feelings, I said, with guidance from my boyfriend, James, that "I show people that I value them, by giving them my time & energy."  Rachel was silent for several days.  Finally, she came around & said she had digested that I could not give her what she needed, which was indeed correct.  

Since then, I've texted her a few times a week, but I've not seen her in three weeks.  Much of that was because she went on a trip to the other side of the country.  But even then, I have not missed her.

When I met Rachel & she shared with me her past, filled with neglect & abuse of all kinds.  I thought she was an incredibly strong women for not dwelling in the past.  However, I realize based upon the parting of our spirits that she is still a little girl who needs to feel needed & valued.  She cannot do that for herself & I cannot do it for her.