Matthew says no to New Year's Eve

I had my conversation with Matthew about not visiting with him for New Year's, but inviting him to my area instead.  As you recall, the reason was to save money & to give me an excuse not be his complete focus, considering I feel guilty for not wanting to try to have another romantic relationship with him.  I also feel like I would have a better time with a group of people, rather than with him alone.

As predicted, he declined the invitation, because I would be focused on other people.  However, he said he would create another way for us to have fun together in January or February.  He also added that he realizes I am not interested in him romantically & I should stop feeling guilty, because he is a grown man & can make his own decisions.

He is absolutely right.  I will no longer dwell on it.

Disneyland Cancelled

Because Matthew has asked for money for his retail store, I have asked him to cancel our planned New Years vacation to Disneyland.  He agreed to do so, but for other reasons.  He said the chick who was organizing the trip for 10 people for the week actually did not negotiate a good package.  The rate would have been $2500, not counting the Disney tickets or anything else.  That is not even worth considering for two people.

In the meantime, I have decided to stay home & plan something for New Year's Eve.  I am thinking dinner & then a burlesque show, with a dozen close friends.  Maybe a party bus to take us to the event.  I also decided to stay at home, rather than see Matthew for New Year's Eve, because I am tired of having to do the whole "I-wanna-be-your-boyfriend-again" dance.  I will, of course, invite Matthew to the festivities, but he will likely say no, considering he will not be my only focus.

Matthew's Appearance & Sex

I went to New York City, with my old boyfriend Matthew recently.  We dated for about two years, until 6 months after my arrest.  I told him I was uninterested in continuing to date him, because we live several states away.  However, in reality, I preferred not to date him anymore, because he became physically unattractive to me over the years.

Yes, I realize all of this sounds very shallow.  In reality, I think many people would like to stop having sex with a current partner, because they find them unattractive.   Luckily, because I am polyamorous, if I find one partner too unattractive to have sex with them, I can take on a new partner, but still love the original one.  

I still love Matthew.  I just have a hard time seeing him naked, without becoming uneasy.  Whenever we are together he goes on & on about us getting back together, even asking "Can we be lovers again?"  I am definitely not interested in that.  But, I do like hanging out with him.  

What should I do?    You I ditch him completely or continue to explain that I am not interested in having a romantic relationship with him & allow him to make the decision to see me or not?

Matthew asks for $

Matthew, my former boyfriend, in interested in borrowing $1k to $10K for his retail store from now through January.  I don't have any qualms giving him the money, although I do have to ask my business partners, James & Richard.  Because Matthew is a former lover I am more emotionally connected to the situation & they are not.  The only downside is getting all the cash together at one time.  Being a hand whore is profitable, but everything so far has gone to paying bills & getting us out of debt.  I will ask them tomorrow.

Soul Geek

A few weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend, Matthew, of 2 years. I had decided we were no longer compatible, but we still remain friends. In fact, I was hoping he had checked out some other wenches. He had. I was pleasantly surprised where he began his search. He went to http://www.soulgeek.com/. I have to admit, I love geeks. However, I am not geek enough to have much luck on such a site. I thought you may be!

Woman believed to be 'D.C. madam' commits suicide

James, my primary boyfriend, just told me that Debra Palfrey, “The DC Madam”, committed suicide (http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-05-01-dcmadam-suicide_N.htm). I am incredibly sad. She follows the same pattern as Brandy Britton (http://www.crimelibrary.com/news/original/0207/0601_brandy_britton.html). During her media attention, Debra said “I guess I'm made of something that Brandy Britton wasn't made of." It was reported that Debra also said she, too, was humiliated by her prostitution charges.

Am I any different? I would like to think that I am. I am in no way humiliated by my charges. In fact, once I was able to think clearly, I realized how empowered I have been by the industry. I would never have the confidence, financial security, or wonderful experiences without it. In strongly believing that, I cannot be humiliated. Perhaps I am humbled by my arrest, but not humiliated.

When I passed on the news to Matthew, my secondary boyfriend, by IM, he said:

Me: the dc madam committed suicide

Me: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-05-01-dcmadam-suicide_N.htm

Matthew: aw damn

Matthew: You better not!

Me: she follows a pattern of arrested whores: http://www.crimelibrary.com/news/original/0207/0601_brandy_britton.html

Matthew: Yeah I know about her

Me: I don't think I will. Brandy & Debra both mention they were humiliated. I am not.

Me: I am empowered by the industry

Matthew: You're empowered in general.

Matthew: You're not only a phenomenal woman, you see no shame in the escorting industry.

Matthew: These are likely women who felt sort of dirty about it in the first place & couldn't handle the moral problems they faced from society's disapproval

Matthew: I mean for her, that seems to make a satisfactory explanation...if it was just the fear of being jailed she would have waited until after sentencing

Me: true

Matthew: yeah, "humiliated"

Matthew: that's not in the cards for you

Me: Perhaps I am humbled by my arrest, but not humiliated.

Matthew: I love you largely because you AREN'T

Me: humble?

Matthew: it's one of the most admirable facets of your personality.

Matthew: no, humiliated

Matthew: you make no apologies for who you are.

Matthew: your self-esteem doesn't get broken by other people's opinions of you

Matthew: that is so rare in women, and most men, it isn't funny

Me: thank you