I either know everything or nothing.

My 16-year-old daughter, Virginia, & I have a relationship filled with lots of communication.  Sometimes I wish it weren't so.  Yesterday, after spending two nights with one of her friends, she told me she left the friend's home for a few hours to hotbox with a couple of guys in car.  

You know you are old, when you have to look up definitions in the Urban Dictionary:  http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hotbox.  Obviously, I was not happy.  What got me most, beyond the illegal drug use, is that she was not in a safe place.  She mentioned smoking with two guys she trusted, but "going in & out of it".  I asked her "What if someone else got into the car with you, while you were out of it & then proceeded to do things to you, against your consent?"  She looked at me blankly.  I then said, "If anyone ever did anything to you, including rape, I would go after them, until someone was dead.  However, in the back of my mind, I would think, 'my child is an idiot for setting herself up' ".  More blank stares.

What finally got to her was the next morning, when I told her I was deeply disappointed.  She began to cry.  Will she smoke pot again?  Probably.  Will she maybe think about her surroundings a bit more?  Probably.

When I was holding my beautiful baby girl for the 1st time, I was thinking about diapers, pink, & bubbles, not "HOTBOXING!?!?"

"Hotboxing, Mommy?"

GenCon Invitation

I have the opportunity to go to GenCon (http://www.gencon.com/) this year.  I am not a gamer, but I LOVE watching people & my old boyfriend, Mathew, has invited me to go with him, all expenses paid.  Mathew is what people would call an AlphaGeek, because he owns a gaming store.

Mathew & I stopped being intimate with each other 4 years ago, because I became unattrated to him physically.  To be more polite, I told him that it was because he lived several states away & long distance relationships did not work for me.  However, even with that he seems to still be in love with me saying, "I've come pretty far, and I want you. I can't own you, & I can't live with you, or give you the constant love that you need everyday.  My biggest regret.  But I have never stopped wanting you, even if I've dulled the ache with lesser women."  Yes!  He can write.

I'm not sure what to do with this.  I think I do want to go to GenCon, just for the amusement.  But, I do not want to give him any ideas about having a new relationship with me.

What do you think?

Thomas & Mexico

Many years ago, Thomas had the opportunity to take me across the county on his motorcycle.  However, in order to go, I had to weigh no more than 148 pounds.  I wanted to go & so I accomplished my goal successfully.  It was the first time I was able to achieve such a large weight loss.

I asked Thomas to do the same thing again.  At first, after thoughtful consideration, he said no, because he did not think he would have the time to dedicate to me.  I was utterly lost.  I wanted to loose the weight again, but nothing over the past five years had worked.

Several days later, he wanted to know how my weight loss was going.  I told him I had not started, because there was no reward in place.  He then explained that although he could not be with me for the entire weight loss journey that he could give me the ultimate reward or punishment.

He said that in the original conversation I had mentioned going to the beach with him for a week, if I could loose all the weight.  That was an easy reward for him to give me, considering he stays at a family beach house regularly, during the spring, before rental season begins.  However, he mentioned that going to the beach could mean any beach, including Mexico.

I got excited.  Thomas & I had gotten our SCUBA diving certification in Mexico 10 years earlier.  But, we had not returned & our relationship soured, although we have remain in each other's lives.

The punishment was something as bad as the reward was great.  I have agreed to work for him free of charge in an amount that is equal to a trip to Mexico for a week, $1400.  I am very business minded & the thought of doing any work for free, drives me nuts.

In our last email communication a few minutes ago, Thomas asked "Any rules, conditions, or terms from your end?"  That's where it stands.  I am really excited.  I am also really nervous.

I do have ulterior motives in doing all of this.  Yeah, it would be fabulous to have a bikini body on a beach in Mexico.  However, I am hoping that going to Mexico, with Thomas, will allow him to see me a potential romantic partner, rather than just a boink buddy.   We did have that chemistry many years ago.  Could it happen again?

"that guy"

James & I had a HUGE disagreement last week & I am not sure how it will play out next week.  James & I are in the same industry, although I have an office job, during the day.  The summer is the slowest period for the industry & many people in it have a hard time financially.  Fortunately for James, that has not been the case this year.  He has connected with someone who owns a company & likes James' work.  On a job they are doing out of town for a week, they needed an additional person on the crew.  James recommended his girlfriend of one year, Sarah.  So, James & Sarah are going out of town to work for a week.

Here's why it drives me nuts.  First, Sarah is not in the industry & useless in this situation.  Second, many other adequate people are hungry in the summer & James did not recommend them.  Third, the industry has a reputation for being very incestuousness, with rumors of the reason certain people get cake jobs is because they are fucking someone.  I do not want James to have that reputation.  I don't want him to be "that guy".  Finally & probably the most importantly, I am not interested in sharing my world, including co-workers with Sarah.

I spoke to James, in length, about my feelings.  He said I was over reacting.  However, I definitely have a bad feeling about the whole thing.

At this point, it's too late to change anything.  For a few days I was so miffed at James that for the first time in 5 years, I did not speak to him for several days.  In the end, I missed my best friend & swallowed my anger.  However, I did tell him I will be wonky for the next 2 weeks, knowing he is being disrespectful to many people, even beyond me.

I will let you know how it goes...

Chinese Hoochie Momma

One of the reasons I find James so desirable is his innate ability to be entertaining & make me laugh.  One of the things we love to do is watch people.  The absolute best place in our area to do that is a horrible Chinese buffet a few miles away.  The food is horrendous, but the people watching is fabulous.  My favorite was a middle aged hoochie momma, who from the waist up was dressed relatively decent, compared to the others around her.  However, everything from the waist down was horrific.  Ass cheeks falling out her too tight coohie cutters, platform shoes she kept tripping over, with ripped stocking.  It was fabulous, because as she was moving through the seating area, she looked fine, but when she showed her full form, at the buffet area, she made our jaws collectively drop!  FABULOUSLY FUCKED UP.

Children & Phone Sex

I have a little booger who keeps interrupting my beauty sleep, by calling my phone sex number.  The first time he called, he hung up.  That, sadly, is very typical.  However, when he finally got the courage to say "Hello", he sounded very young.  When I asked him how old he was, he replied, "14".  When I said, "You have to be 18, in order to do a call", he responded "Okay, I am 18".  When I asked, "Do you have a credit card?", he answered "Yes, I just use my parents".  I immediately hung up.  I really want to put him over my lap & give him a good spanking.  However, if he is calling a phone sex number at 14, I am pretty sure he would probably like that.

I have requested that his number be blocked.  That takes several hours, if not days.  Hopefully he got the message when I politely told him to screw off the first time.

Back to my beauty sleep :)

Sarah

I don't understand the relationship James, my boyfriend of 5 years, has with his girlfriend of one year, Sarah.  As someone put it, who had spent a week with Sarah, "She is just one of those people who is just there."  She has no life to her.  She is boring.

It irritates me that James would dedicate any time or energy to someone who was not entertaining.  Perhaps it irritates me even more that he must take time & energy away from me to see her.

I know that the reason he sees her is because she allows his penis to be inserted inside of her vagina.  That's pretty much it, although he uses terms like "girlfriend" & "love" when speaking about her.  I just don't get it.

I have been very good over the last 6 months.  I know that I do not understand their relationship & I know that I cannot control it.  Therefore, I should just let it go.  I do that for the most part, although admittedly I do say something snarky, from time to time.

I am hoping the relationship will fizzle out, which is indeed a possibility, considering she lives in another state & both are looking for people to date that are closer.  James & I know a few women who I would love for him to date.  However, its probably easier for him to just keep things as they are.  After all, sex is sex.

SoulKeeper

James is my SoulKeeper.  I am deeply in love & connected to him in a way that I have not found possible with others.  He is my lover, companion, caretaker, com padre, partner in crime, & entertainment committee.  Without James there is only the mundane.

Thomas

I would really love to have a deeply connected romantic relationship with Thomas, my boink buddy.  However, based upon my relationship with him over the last 11 years, it does not seem to be in the cards for us.  We are perpetually off & on.  Sometimes I do not hear from him for 6 months.  Sometimes it's daily.  What always brings us back together is the sex.

Thomas is my favorite sex partner.  He does things to me that no one else can even come close to. He twists my soul, just about every time I am with him.  In other sexual relationships, I am always the one in control, although not in a dominating type of way.  I am the one who guides my partner.

Thomas is different.  The moment he sees me, he is fully erect & ready to play.  It's as though I am his little toy.  He has full domain over my entire body, without a single word.  When he does things that I perceive as slightly romantic, such as deep intimate kissing or cuddling, I melt.

Unfortunately, beyond the bedroom, we seem to be incompatible.  He is unemotional &detached, often times becoming very grumpy.  He is certainly in no position to be a loving additional partner.  Fortunately, I accept our relationship as it is & enjoy every moment I am with him.

Phone Sex

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James Has a Change in Heart

James, my live-in boyfriend of 5 years, did something very surprising this morning.  He reconsidered his thoughts on not wanting me to go scuba diving with my lover, Thomas.  He was online trying to complete his class work to be a certified diver, as I am, & realized that if I had the opportunity to go on a week long diving trip in the Caribbean, I should, regardless of who would be taking me.  Originally, he said he did not want me to go, not because he was jealous of my lover, but because he wanted to be able to afford to do the same for me.