"How about I just give that money to someone who is not financially stable?!"

I went to see my probation officer yesterday.  Because I am only on administrative probation, I see her once every 3 months for pleading guilty to profiting off an illegal business in the spring of 2008.  Unbelievably, the meetings take less than five minutes & no longer include any drug testing.

I still seem to be an odd person for her.  For example, she told me I overpaid my fine by $400 & no longer owed any money.  When I explained that I was financially stable & it was not a big deal to have $400 tied up, she laughed & said, "How about I just give that money to someone who is not financially stable?!"   Ummmm....yeah.  I should have never mentioned that.

Anyway, I no longer owe money, no longer take drug tests, & I am off probation in August of 2011.  I have decided to have a probation party & invite my probation officer, judge, arresting detective, police, prosecuting attorney, & criminal defense attorney!  After that, I plan to have my record exonerated.

It's just another chapter in my book of life.

I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, BabyDaddie had a conversation with Virginia, in which he said the reason I am giving up my work hours, in the evening, is to look good in our court proceeding on December 20th.  In reality, I gave up my work hours in the evening because half of Virginia's grades for the last marking period were failing.  I strongly believe she needs more supervision & as the parent she lives with & gets along with, it is my responsibility to give her that.

I don't like my BabyDaddie, but I do respect him as the father of my only child.  It would be nice if he treated me respectfully, by first not having an adult conversation with our 14-year-old daughter, about issues that she does not need to know about & then by not saying mean spiteful things about her mother.

Now, here's the kicker.  BabyDaddie goes on & on about being a good little Christian, particularly when he said that I am a sad woman & I will never have love in my heart, until I accept Jesus Christ as my savior.  I would never join a club in which BabyDaddie is a member, given his behavior.

Update

I apologize for not writing in so long.  I will endeavor to write at least every other day.  Many wonderful & not so wonderful things have occurred, since July.

I have begun a romantic & sexual relationship, with the full knowledge & approval of James, my live in boyfriend.   Although Landon & I come from different worlds & on the surface he is not someone I would have chosen, I have fallen in love with him.

The three of us have had to become negotiate our new lives.   For the most part, I spend alternating night with each of them, in the same home, but different rooms.  Landon has claimed the 2nd spare bedroom as his, not feeling comfortable in sleeping or having sex in the bedroom I normally share with James.

Things have not been completely smooth.   Both boyfriends love & adore me.  Therefore, I am always the center of attention for both & both always desire my attention, when I am near.  As you can imagine that gets a bit wonky, when the three of us are spending time together, though that is rare.  James has mention that he thinks I focus on Landon more when the three of us are together.  I am unsure of whether that is true.  However, now that I know James's feelings, I have paid more attention to my actions.  On the flip side, Landon feels a sense of wonkiness, when he is around James.   He says he does not feel jealousy or hate, but a feeling of James being proprietary of me.  Landon asked that I not mention these things to James.  I agreed not to, but I did say that he needs to say something to James himself, if he expects anything to change.

Landon has alluded to moving in with James & me.   I would love for that to come true, although I don't think it would be practical any time soon, especially considering the recent revelations from both boyfriends.  In addition, Landon has some real estate he needs to sell, before he decides where he is going to live.  James has not said no to the idea.  There are advantages to three adults living together, including financial stability & larger home.  For us, that would be going from a three bedroom apartment to a single family home.  In my opinion, James should not bring up the topic of living together, until Landon brings it up first.

My life with Virginia, my 14-year-old daughter, has become more sad & stressful.   She has refused to spend Thanksgiving with family, choosing to spend it with her friend.  She has a tendency to act out negatively when she is forced to see her father overnight.  This past week she was suppose to spend four days with him, something she has not done, since she rejected him in the June of 2009.  To make sure that did not occur, she disappeared, going instead to her friends.  Her father left town without her, in order to focus on his holiday with his new family.

I have not been particularly strong in all of this.   I cried out of the sadness Virginia has caused. I have cried of frustration for having to love this child that is virtually impossible to love & now whom I am fighting for custody of on December 20th.  However, I have decided that I will no longer allow her to control me or my emotions.  Sadly, I have become apathetic to my only child.

Daddie & Death

My mother called this morning & said my father will not be resuscitated if he should die. His organs will simply shut down one by one, leading to his eventual death. He is in no pain. Instead of waiting to see them this weekend, I am leaving today by train today & will remain, until my mother can handle life, as a widow. Thank you for all of your kind words & thoughts.

Hospital & Daddie

My daddie is back in the hospital again.  It seems that the bone marrow transplant did not take, as a result he is no longer eating, drinking, or peeing.  The next step is experimental drugs.  My heart goes out to my mother who just went through the death of her own mother less than a month ago & now will have to deal with the death of her husband of 40 years.

RIP: Grandma

My grandmother died last week, at the age of 85.  We were not at all surprised, considering she had battled dementia for the last two years.  We actually prayed for her death, since she would have been mortified at her own behavior, consisting of biting, spitting, & screaming.

Her dementia was caused from having adult onset diabetes, due to obesity.  The insulin she took for 50-years, eventually caused calcium deposits to form around her brain, impairing her brain function.

Gratefully, I had not seen her since my arrest two years ago.  She was a very difficult woman to love & because I am not very tolerant of mean people, I steered clear of her.  I can now remember her in better times.

We do not have funerals in my family, choosing instead to donate our bodies.  We have memorial services.  Sadly, I was not able to get to the service, due to the snow.  Even the trains were cancelled.

The greatest thing my grandmother taught me was to start taking better care of myself.  Her illness was completely preventable, if she only saw it as important.  I see it as very important.  Thank you, Grandma.

Holiday Plans

My plans for the holidays are to enjoy the season alone, as I have for the last 7 years or so.  My boyfriend is visiting his family, including his adult children, from the 23rd to the 27th in upstate New York.  Once he arrived, his mother mentioned I should have come too.  However, because of the nature of our relationship, I would have felt out of place.  Nonetheless, it was kind of her to consider me.  As for me, I find this is a great time for self reflection & making friends with myself again.